Life as I know it..

I’ve been having reoccurring dreams in which I’m partially blind. Not to the point of not being able to see objects, because I always know exactly what’s going on in the dream, but it’s moreso the kind of blind where I’m tripping and falling and my vision is almost fogged over. Rather than being able to do things clearly without interruption, I find myself roaming around, almost being pulled through them by a force outside of myself. It’s come up 3 or 4 times now within the past week and I was really curious as to what it could mean. I did some digging and this is what I found:

Being blind illustrates that you consider some elements of your life is uncontrollable.  This dream also indicates that you may have impulses to try to improve yourself.

A dream involving you walking down the street blind means the need to get to the bottom of a situation in that it is really difficult to understand how you may do that without actually having any guidance from anyone.

This dream also signifies that you are unable to recognise situations around you and that you may need spiritual guidance.  The key message of this dream is to meditate in order to find the answers.

In all honesty, I have felt a little loss of control over my own life as of late. It seems like everything is just up in the air, and it’s terrifying. Not in the sense that my needs won’t be provided for, but in the sense that every direction I thought my life was going was thrown out the window and now I’m in a new state with virtually no friends, no job, and no direction. I have sent an email to a school nearby to talk to them about enrollment, which would be a huge step. They called me back once but I was on the mountain so they have yet to contact me again. Hopefully they do that soon so I can figure out which steps I need to get my shit on lock. I feel like I’ll be a lot more okay with my situation after I figure that out because as of now, I feel like I’m in shambles just trying to pick up my pieces and reassemble them into a smooth operata again. Basically lacking peace of mind is making my insides a wreck and it isn’t comforting in my brain half the time. Trying to limit my emotions and focus solely on completing my schooling is my main thing right now.. I don’t have much else than that. (That fact alone is what’s making my insides quiver.) Having so many exciting plans to look forward to to having very limited plans makes me want to curl up inside of myself and hibernate for a while, but for me that’s the worst thing to do because it’s much too easy to fall into my little dreamworlds there. And that’s just not safe in my current state. I need distraction.

Dear Jammed Wrist:

You suck. You have sucked ever since I sprained you for the first time in 8th grade. I wish you would just stop being a bitch and cooperate already so I could live my life appropriately without interruption from you. You’re a pain and I’d like it to stop..

Sincerely:

Amanda Renee Parsen

“Well.. I was painting. Then I got online to chitchat for a few. Now I’m contemplating painting again, but it involves walking to the kitchen, grabbing my canvas / paints / water, bringing them into the living room, looking up a map of constellations, replicating them on my piece. Oh, and grabbing a beer since I haven’t had one in a couple days. Basically, it’s just a little effort involved that I haven’t built up the motivation to do.”
I’m way too lazy sometimes for no reason at all.

My heart hurts and I miss my lover.

I have been having the most vivid, insane dreams as of late. Going from almost never being able to recollect having dreams to having a few unthinkable adventures a night is throwing me for a loop. At times they get to a point where I just have to wake myself up because it’s too much.

Last nights for instance, there were no super-detailed being, but more of colored auras in the shape of humans. There were a lot of blues and darker hues, but at the end there was a huge blast of red that ignited in the middle. Throughout the dream different friends’ faces would appear as sort of an accent, but then they too would disappear. The whole thing was kind of a blur, but for some reason it reminded me of a conversation I had had with Luke last year about all of us being spiritual warriors and the fact that we’re only aware of a glimpse of what we could truly be a part of. Who knows what it actually means, I just know my consciousness pops into some interesting parallels.

It was brought to my attention today that inaction is just as much of an action as an actual action. Maybe the fact that you aren’t begging to have me by your side should be a huge warning sign that I deserve someone who would do anything to have me with them all the time.

Your willing to be absent from my life is your worst attribute.

You were the one worth leaving if that’s the case.

No matter how much I wish we could be together day and night for eternity.

Don’t. Be. Sad.

Be thankful for the moments you do have. So madly in love. Congratulations on the successful interview. I think you’ll love the bay area. I only hope the best for you. It still doesn’t mean it’s hard to be away from you.

Dear Heart:

Please stop those pesky occurrences in which you feel as if you’re going to pop out. You will be fine. It’s supposed to hurt, I guess..

I tremble. They’re gonna eat me alive. If I stumble, they’re gonna eat me alive.

Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer?